Overcommittment
While thinking about the impossibility of my calendar this week, it occurred to me that I have not been very good at taking my own advice lately. Many of the words that come to mind when I try to describe what is going on for me include "over". Over-doing it. Overwhelm. Over-commitment. Over it. I am sure you get it, and that you may even relate to my situation.
When I stopped to take a look, I could see that my feelings were caused by a classic case of have-to-itis (holding yourself to impossibly high performance standards - NOW), combined with a failure to believe that there really are only 24 hours in each day. This is often exacerbated by my general tendency to want to please others.
One of the good things about life, is that we can, at any moment, choose to remember things we know but have forgotten. My remembered lessons this week come from the stress management class that Carol and I teach quite often. I figure if I need the reminder, chances are some of you do too. So, here are two things to focus on which will help you regain control.
First, STOP OVER-BOOKING YOUR CALENDAR. This automatically begins to decrease stress. Look at your expectations. Do you expect that you will get 10 hours of work done in 6 hours? Do you factor in driving time when you book appointments? Do you allow time for meetings to run over? Book your calendar realistically. If you consistently have an issue with this, add in buffer time between all appointments and for all tasks for a time, until you start to train yourself to be more truthful about the time it really takes for things.
Second, LEARN TO SAY NO. Do you say yes to people, when you should say no? Obviously there are times when you have to say yes to a boss or client or family member when you would prefer to do something else. However, it is important to know what things are essential and to what things you can say "no." This is a challenge for many of us.
Here's how to do it. Be honest, calm and polite. It will help you keep control, and avoid escalating the situation or alienating the other person. People are happier to accept an honest 'no', than be faced with indecision and a delayed refusal. Make sure your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no". Following are five ways to say 'no'. PRACTICE THEM. Once you try it, you'll find that saying 'no' is not nearly so hard as you might think.
Five Ways To Say No:
1. The direct 'no'
When someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, just say 'no'. No apologizing, be direct and succinct. If someone asks you to join them for lunch, simply say:
No, no thank you.
2. The broken record
This can be used in all sorts of situations. Repeat the simple statement of refusal again and again. No explanation, just repeat it. It's necessary to use this with particularly persistent requests:
No, I can't have lunch with you.
Oh, please, it won't take long.
No, I can't have lunch with you.
Oh, go on, I'll pay.
No, I can't have lunch with you.
3. The reflecting 'no'
Here you acknowledge the content and feeling of the request, then you add the assertive refusal at the end:
I know you want to talk to me about organizing the annual department lunch, but I can't do lunch today.
4. The reasoned 'no'
Give a brief and genuine reason for the refusal without opening up further negotiation:
I can't have lunch with you because I have a report that needs to be finished by tomorrow.
5. The rain check 'no'
A way of saying 'no' to a specific request without giving a definite 'no'. It's a prelude to negotiation, not a rejection of the request. Only use it if you genuinely want to meet the request:
I can't have lunch with you today, but I could make it sometime next week.
There are probably many more ways to say 'no', and we'd love to hear from you if you come up with any really good ones as you practice. Make a promise to yourself that you will say no to at least one thing this week. After that try it again. And again. If you have always been the "go to person", the one who ALWAYS says "Yes, I'll take care of that" , be aware that people may be surprised when you actually say "No". There may be a learning curve with people who are used to you always being available. It's O.K. Be strong and stick to your position. People will adjust, and come to better respect your time. And you may be surprised to find that they adjust faster than you would think.
You'll also find that you can use some of that buffer time you added into your calendar to actually consider what commitments you really do want to accept, and what tasks are realistic to take on each day and each week. Do what you can. Even one more hour of cleared space makes a difference in your experience of your week. Take the opportunity now to look back through the next couple of weeks, to see if there are any commitments you can still say 'no' to or renegotiate. Perhaps you made a commitment for a coffee this week that just isn't going to work. Better to reschedule now, than wait until you are in the crunch of that day to cancel.
You can be sure that I'll be going back over my calendar in a few minutes. When I think about it, I really enjoy the sense of power that it gives me to re-take control over my schedule and time. I also know that saying 'no' when I really need or choose to keeps me true to myself. And that always makes me feel better about everything.